In just a few days the final book of the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, will be released. Its contents are one of the most fiercely guarded secrets in publishing. Millions of Harry Potter fans will plow through the book in the hours and days following its release, hoping to discover all of its secrets and surprises for themselves before someone else stumbles along and blurts out the ending.
I heard reports - for the first time, just the other day; this is something I was unaware of at the time - that when people were waiting in line to buy their copies of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, spoilers would drive by and shout "XXXXX DIES AT THE END!", revealing the book's surprise death. (I won't mention it here, because there will always be people out there who don't know how the books end yet.) Now there are concerns that this will be done on a larger scale this time around. Fans are being advised to wear earplugs while waiting in line in order to avoid hearing spoilers.
My thinking is this: In the event of a Spoiler Attack, everyone in the line should begin shouting out the names of various characters and plot twists: "GINNY DIES!" "HAGRID DIES!" "RON AND HERMIONE DIE!" "HARRY AND VOLDEMORT KILL EACH OTHER!" Litter the air with so much noise that the spoiler's signals can't get through.
Same in the blogosphere. There will be plenty of people trying to spoil the surprises as soon as they become available. So why not start filling the Internet with false rumors now, to at least buy a little time for those slower readers?
Here are some (fake) HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILERS to get the ball rolling:
- HERMIONE HAS BEEN IN CAHOOTS WITH VOLDEMORT THE WHOLE WHILE!
- DUMBLEDORE SWAPPED PLACES WITH HIS BROTHER THE BARTENDER RIGHT BEFORE HE GOT KILLED!
- VOLDEMORT IS REALLY HARRY'S FATHER!
- DOBBY IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING!
- SIRIUS WAS REALLY A BAD GUY!
- THE CHARGES AGAINST THE DEATH EATERS WERE TRUMPED-UP!
- The book will open with Ron and Hermione having once again spent some time together during summer break. Well, they did a bit more than "spend time": Hermione is now pregnant with Ron's baby, and is due to give birth before the end of the school year. Sybil Trelawney has now made another apparently legitimate prediction that suggests that Voldemort is currently less interested in Harry Potter, and is more interested in Hermione's unborn child...
- The house-elves dissolve into civil war, with one side led by Dobby and loyal to the memory of Dumbledore, and the other side led by Kreacher and loyal to Voldemort. Will the centaurs join forces with one side or the other?
- After the climactic final confrontation with Voldemort, the scene shifts to a small padded room in an insane asylum where a deeply troubled seventeen-year-old with tousled black hair and a scar on his forehead has spent his days since his eleventh birthday, locked in a fantasy world of magic and wizards and flying broomsticks, where he is both a sports star and the most important boy in the world. As the story ends his sole possession, a plastic snow globe with a magic castle inside, falls to the ground and shatters, and the light begins to fade from his eyes...