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Friday, June 24, 2005

Still more deleted scenes from the Star Wars movies

See the ever-growing list here. All of the scenes I'm posting on my blog were written by me, by the way.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Cloud City
Dinner With Darth Vader

Vader: And then he cut off my legs and my one good arm, stole my lightsaber, and left me there on the burning sands on the side of a stream of molten metal.

Leia: What a jerk! Pass the potatoes, please.

Vader: It was so hot, my clothing spontaneously combusted. I got all burned. It was awful. Obi-Wan just walked away! If the Emperor hadn't saved my sorry butt, I would've been a goner for sure! Can I have the cranberry sauce?

Han: Sure, here ya go. You know, I never liked that crazy old man. Lando, this food is great.

Lando: Yeah, I know. Cloud City Caterers. I use them for all our formal functions. Leia, you look like you need a refill on your wine.

Leia: Thank you, please. Boba, care for a bit more chicken?

Boba Fett: Yes, thank you.

Leia: Lando, this wine is wonderful. It tastes really familiar.

Lando: It should. It's from a shipment of Alderaanian Chianti that I had flown in a few years ago. I bought it as a table wine, but it's become an investment wine. You know, the value has skyrocketed, since the supply dried up.

Leia: It didn't dry up, it got blown up! (Turns to Vader.) And you blew it up, Daddy!

Vader: Honey, honey, calm down. We've been over this once already. Besides, it wasn't me who blew it up, it was Tarkin, and he's dead now. Blown up by your brother. Along with a couple thousand of my best people, and a whole lot of plumbers and contractors putting on the finishing touches, too!

Leia: Well, it served them right!

Boba Fett: Hey, hey, that's all in the past. No use crying over spilled milk.

Lando: Or spilled wine! (Everyone laughs) Anyway, who's ready for coffee? We've got pie coming out for dessert.

Chewie: GROOOnnnnNNNKKKKKkkk!

Han: Me, too, but with cream and sugar, thanks. Say, Boba, what are you doing here? I thought you were hanging out with Jabba the Hutt.

Boba Fett: I, err...

Vader: What do you say we discuss that after dessert, hmm?



Episode IV: Star Wars (A New Hope)

Things have progressed somewhat more smoothly than in the original film. Luke decides early on to abandon Tatooine and run off with Obi-Wan to Alderaan, where he will begin training with Obi-Wan to become a Jedi. They never see the destroyed sandcrawler, or the ruins of the Lars household. They meet Chewie and Han, negotiate a fee, and take off immediately without any lightsaber action, bounty hunters, or near scrapes with stormtroopers or Star Destroyers.

They arrive at Alderaan and find the planet still intact. Han decides to hang out for some R&R while Obi-Wan meets with Bail Organa.

Bail Organa: General Kenobi, this little R2 unit contains the schematics for the "Death Star" - a new type of weapon, a space station the size of a small moon with enough firepower to destroy a planet. By analyzing these plans, we may be able to identify a weakness. I'm glad Leia was able to get this R2 unit to you, and you were able to get it to us.

Obi-Wan: Does this space station look anything like that small moon that just appeared in your sky?

Bail Organa: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! THE DEATH STAR!

(Alderaan is destroyed, along with everybody on it.)


Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

(Coruscant, night. It is raining. In an alley, Elan Sleazebaggano steps out of the shadows and accosts a young couple.)

ELAN: Hey, buddy, wanna buy some deathsticks?

(A voice is heard from far away, getting closer.)

VOICE: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA!!!!


(A figure comes tumbling out of the sky and crushes Sleazebaggano. Winded, burned, missing part of one arm, an injured but very much alive Mace Windu disentangles himself from the broken body of the dying drug dealer.)

MACE: You don't want to sell them any deathsticks.

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