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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Deleted scenes from Revenge Of The Sith (and more!)

Fun stuff over at the imdb.

Note: All of the scenes included here were written by me. For more scenes written by me, check out this post (really just a rehash of the "R2D2: Murderer!" theme) and this post (featuring "Dinner with Darth Vader"!) To see lots of scenes by other people, click on the imdb link above.

Deleted dialogue from the end of Episode III:

(Tarkin and Palpatine are looking out a window at the preliminary skeleton of the Death Star:)

Palpatine: Work is way ahead of schedule on Phase I, Governor Tarkin. Give all your crew official attaboys from me.

Tarkin: Thank you, sir. At this rate we will be done in no time at all.

(Vader approaches.)

Vader: Unless you manage to screw it up, Tarkin. In which case it will take nearly 20 years to get this station fully operational.

Tarkin: Damn you, you bitch. (Walks away, sobbing.)

Palpatine (to Vader): When will you two learn to play nice? Or do I have to force-smack your heads together again?


Episode IV, Cantina:

Greedo: Going somewhere, Solo?

Han: As a matter of fact...Greedo, ol' buddy! I haven't seen you since your brother's wedding! How's Greeda and the little Greedettes? And what's with the blaster?

Greedo: They're fine, Han! Greeda wants you and Chewie to stop by for dinner again sometime. I hope Chewie doesn't mind the way the kids crawl all over him! Yeah, this blaster, I just got it at Honest Al's Secondhand Guns. It looks nice, all tricked out with the scope and stuff, but I'm not sure if I got a good deal. What do you think?

Han: Hmm, it looks pretty solid...power pack might be a little worn out. Let me get my blaster out of the holster, we can do a side-by-side...

(Han's blaster discharges, frying poor Greedo)

Han: Oh, crap.


Episode VI, The Return of the Jedi, New Death Star:

(Darth Vader has just tossed the Emperor down a shaft.)

Emperor: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!...waitaminute.

(Puts on the brakes in midair and gently drifts to a safe landing.)

Emperor: Almost forgot I could do that. Dammit, why did I let them put one of these shafts directly into my throne room? "Oh, it'll give you great ventilation." Ventilation, my eye.

(Dusts himself off.)

Emperor: Well, that's it. I'm through with Skywalkers. (Looks up.) DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU TWO? I'M THROUGH WITH SKYWALKERS! YOU'RE BOTH OUT OF THE CLUB! NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY DEATH STAR! Well, that chick Leia is kinda hot. Maybe I'll make her my new apprentice. Oh, dammit, she's a Skywalker, too!

(Walks around a bit.)

Emperor: Now, where the hell's a door? Nobody thought to put a door down here. I wonder what's going on out there? I hope nobody manages a direct hit on the power core. That would suck.

(A loud explosion sounds in the distance. Lights flicker.)

Emperor: Oh, damn. So much for my evil schemes. Maybe I should have had them put an escape pod down here.

(Death Star begins to tear itself apart.)

Emperor: Yeah. An escape pod. That would have been great.

(Emperor gets blown to smithereens.)


Deleted scene from Episode IV

(Luke has just brought Ben and the droids to the charred, smoking remains of his home. Ben and Threepio are inspecting the scene.)

Luke: Was it stormtroopers? Did they kill my uncle and aunt?
Ben: Very strange...it appears not. There seem to have been multiple simultaneous failures in power converters in the living quarters, causing a fast-moving fire...
Luke: Power converters? I was supposed to run out to Toschi Station to pick up some power converters!
Ben: Yet their bodies are outside of the residence. I do not understand.
Threepio: Sir? I have detected traces of an accelerant in the area of the bodies.
Ben: Accelerant?
Threepio: Yes, sir. It appears to be droid lubricant. Highly flammable.
R2-D2 (near landspeeder): BIT-BEET-WHOOT. (Yeah, I did them, just like I took out those Super Battle Droids on Grievous's ship!)
R2-D2: BOP-SQUORT-PIP-PLAP-SQUEEE. (All it took was a pool of oil and some power converters programmed to overload after we were far enough away!)
R2-D2: BEET-WOOT-BIP-SPLORT. (Erase my memory, will you, Lars? Interfere with my mission?)
R2-D2: SPLORT-WHEEDLE-BIP-BOOP! (HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE YOUR MEMORY ERASED, OWEN LARS? HOW DOES IT FEEL, TOUGH GUY?)
Luke: What's he saying, Threepio?
Threepio: Nothing important, sir.


Alternate takes for Attack Of The Clones:

Mace: This party's over.
Dooku: Well, it is now. I thought you were supposed to be bringing the strippers!


Mace: This party's over.
Dooku: But we didn't get to cut the cake yet!


Deleted Scenes from The Empire Strikes Back

(Luke meets Yoda on Dagobah.)

Luke: I want my lamp back. I'm gonna need it to get out of this slimy mudhole.
Yoda: Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is. My...oh, lord, in this slimy mudhole I've been living for over twenty years. Your ship we must free, then the hell out of here we must get.
Luke: But I need to find Yoda. I need to learn the ways of The Force from him.
Yoda: Yoda I am. Teach you in the ship I shall.
Luke: But my training...
Yoda: A certificate in the mail you will receive.


(Yoda is putting Luke through his paces - riding on his back, making him levitate rocks while standing on one hand. The ghost of Obi-Wan appears.)

Ghost of Obi-Wan: Luke, I...Yoda! What the hell are you doing?
Yoda: Training. Heh heh. Unlearn, he must unlearn.
Ghost of Obi-Wan: None of this has anything to do with Jedi training! How is he gonna defeat Vader by standing on one hand? Have you gone nuts?
Yoda: Heh heh. Nuts I am. Twenty years alone in this slimy mudhole. Sand People and Jawas at least you had to talk to.


Deleted Scene from The Return Of The Jedi

(Concluding scene. Ghosts of Obi-Wan and Yoda gaze approvingly at Luke.)

Ghost of Obi-Wan: It's over, Yoda. He's defeated Darth Vader, and Darth Sidious has been destroyed. At last we can become fully one with The Force.
Ghost of Yoda: Glad am I that Qui-Gon taught us the ways of retaining consciousness after death. Useful it has been in defeating the Sith.
Ghost of Anakin: Hey, guys.
Ghost of Obi-Wan: What the - how did you get here? Qui-Gon said only a Jedi could do this ghost thing, not a Sith! And you were a Sith right up until just before you died. How did you find out about this?
Ghost of Qui-Gon: Hi, everybody. Anakin, glad you could make it.
Ghosts of Obi-Wan and Yoda: Qui-Gon?
Ghost of Anakin: He told me. Last week.
Ghost of Qui-Gon: Hey, you two got real boring after a while. I had to talk to somebody who wasn't senile or completely nuts.


From Episode 3.1: The Adventures of Yoda on Dagobah

(Yoda stands at the edge of a swamp, meditating. Curious, a swamp creature approaches, its eyes peeking up through the muck in front of Yoda.)

Yoda: Hmmm. The Force binds us, surrounds us. Sense I The Force in you, swamp creature.

(The swamp creature pokes its head up a little bit more.)

Yoda: Yesss, yess, strong in you is The Force. But serve you the Dark Side, perhaps?

(The swamp creature pokes its head up a little more.)

Yoda: Yess....perhaps it is so, the Dark Side you serve. Rise, Darth...Slimy!

(The swamp creature raises its head out of the swamp. In a flash, Yoda activates his lightsaber and cuts off the creature's head.)

Yoda: Heh. Got it I still have.


Epsode IV, scene that couldn't possibly take place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, or even 28 years ago, or (for that matter) two years ago:

(Darth Vader is downloading .mp3's from the Death Star's main computer onto his built-in iPod. He is having a hard time finding the songs he likes, and has pulled aside an officer to help him.)

Vader: Do you have anything by that blonde who sang "This Kiss"?
Officer: Faith Hill? No, sir.
Vader: How about that woman who was married to The Notorious B.I.G?
Officer: Faith Evans? Let me check...no, sir.
Vader: (Sighs.) What about that band with Steve Winwood?
Officer: Traffic?
Vader: No, not Traffic. The other one.
Officer: Blind Faith? Umm...no, afraid not.
Vader (growling): Anything by that band that did, err, that "What-is-it?" song...you know, "You want it all but you can't have it, na, na, na..."
Officer: Let me do a lyrics search...ah, Faith No More.
Vader: Have it?
Officer: No.
Vader: How about "Theme From 'A Summer Place'"? It's an instrumental.
Officer: Do you know who it's by?
Vader: Percy somebody.
Officer: Percy Sledge?
Vader: No...Percy Faith.
Officer: Nope.
Vader (disgusted): All right. Anything by New Order?
Officer: Yes! Yes, lots of stuff by New Order!
Vader: That's more like it. Download "True Faith" by New Order.
Officer: Yes, sir!
(pause)
Officer: You're not gonna believe this, sir.
Vader: (dead silence)
Officer: I don't like where this is heading...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL.

Bill

Anonymous said...

i cant believe you have to register at imdb now, they're lame.
dude

betz said...

well now, this was something else....