Lionel and Sam Save Thanksgiving

This is a niche story. It specifically references characters and situations created by online entertainer @ItsKristieBish and may not make sense to people unfamiliar with the lions Lionel, Sam, and Grandpa. It was written November 15, 2023.

"RAWWWWWRRRR!!!" Lionel Richey roared at his sleeping step-cousin, Samuel Jackson. "Wake up, Sam! Kristie's in trouble! RAWWWWRRRR!!!"

Sam opened his eyes. "Goodness, Lionel, I was having the most delicious dream. It involved a dozen zebras and a huge vat of baby oil. And I seem to have lost my pants. What's wrong?"

Lionel and Sam were two lions who lived with their friend Kristie in a little desert town called Las Vegas. They were step-cousins and friends and sometimes a little more than friends. They shared the place with another lion who didn't talk much, and yet another kindly old lion called Grandpa. He wasn't their grandpa, as far as they knew. He wasn't Kristie's grandpa. If he was the other lion's grandpa, he wasn't saying much about it. But he was definitely somebody's grandpa, probably.

"It's Kristie! She kept talking about Thanksgiving, and now Thanksgiving is in just a few days, and she hasn't bought any food for the Thanksgiving feast, and she's gonna starve! RAWWWWRRRRR!!! And so are we."

"Oh, dear, Lionel," Sam said melodramatically, "that is quite the conundrum indeed. How could the dear girl forget to buy food? One can hardly claim to be having a Thanksgiving feast without an embarrassing excess of wondrous things to eat. We must help our beloved friend Kristie."

"What are we gonna do, Sam? Should we borrow Kristie's credit card and order food to be delivered? RAWWWWRRR!!!"

"Certainly not, mon cher couisine. That would be so very gauche. And the last time we did that, we accidentally ordered far more pizzas than we were prepared to eat. Kristie was quite upset over that. No, we shall approach this in a more civilized manner this time."

"What's that, Sam?"

"We borrow her card and go shopping."

*          *          *

"Lionel, wherever did you locate this vehicle? It certainly seems quite fancy."

"RAWWWWWRRR! It sure is!" Lionel said as he struggled to look over the dashboard while driving. "I saw it parked with the keys in the ignition when I ran to take a whizz in that alley. I figured the guys who were driving it wouldn't mind if we borrowed it to go to the supermarket. They were all cheering as I drove off. At least, I think they were cheering."

"Dear boy, do you know who those fellows were? They seem to have been quite fond of firearms, but rather sickly, judging from the quantities of weapons and pharmaceuticals I've located under the seat."

Lionel shrugged as the car bounced over another bump in the road. "I dunno, but I'm sure they'll be glad to get their stuff back." (He faintly heard someone shout "YOU MANIAC!" in the distance.)

"Sam, what are we going to buy at the store? What does Kristie do for Thanksgiving?"

"Goodness, Lionel, I really don't know. I suppose I haven't really paid much attention to what Kristie does. But if I understand correctly, it is indeed traditional to have a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner."

"RRRRRAWWRRR!!! Where are we gonna find a turkey on such short notice?"

Sam peered out the window. "There's one now. Perhaps he will do."

Lionel nearly crashed the car into the turkey in his efforts to park. He narrowly missed him, crashing instead into an unattended police car.

"RRAWWWRRRRR!" he yelled. "Are you a turkey?"

"Yes, I suppose I am," the bountifully-breasted bird responded. "How can I help you?"

Sam spoke up. "We - my step-cousin Lionel and myself, Samuel Jackson, at your service - are endeavoring to assist our very dear friend Kristie in having a lovely Thanksgiving dinner. It is our understanding that it is the custom to have a turkey at the feast."

"I've heard that too," the turkey responded. "I've never been to one, so I can't be sure."

"To be safe, would you accept our invitation to be the guest turkey at Kristie's feast?" Sam asked. "We want to make it extra-special for her, and it wouldn't be complete without a turkey."

"Well, OK," the turkey said. "But we'd better get moving before those cops get done with their drug bust. They might be sore you wrecked their car." The turkey let himself into the back seat. "Also, this car matches the description of one stolen from a drug gang earlier tonight. They figured it was a rival gang. We should get out of here right now."

"Mr. Turkey," Lionel said as he peeled away, "do you know what people eat at Thanksgiving?"

"I can't speak for people, but I know I like to eat corn," the turkey responded. 

"RRRAWWWWWRR! Then we'll get some corn," Lionel said. "And Zebra Cakes. Everybody likes Zebra Cakes."

*          *          *

Lionel, Sam, and Tom - it turned out that the turkey's name was Tom, which was unsurprising, because all turkeys are named Tom - pushed their cart through the aisles of the store. "We got all the corn they have," Lionel said, "and all the Zebra Cakes, too. This should be a super feast! Now we have to check out. Sam, do you have Kristie's card?"

"Oh, I have done better than that," Sam said in a sultry way. "It turns out the sickly weapons collectors who own the car we've borrowed are also quite wealthy. I found rather a lot of money grouped into neat little stacks under the seat, underneath their pharmaceutical supply. I am certain that they will not mind if we were to help ourselves to a few thousand dollars."

Tom looked at him, surprised. "Here I was hoping I might make it through this holiday. I might not make it through this night." 

*          *          *

"We might want to ditch this car soon," Tom said, looking worried. "Someone's sure to spot us. Also, we're leaking something from when you hit the police car, and I'm pretty sure I saw hair and teeth in the front grille."

"RRRRAWR, we'll be fine," Lionel said. "Besides, I just remembered people have wine at Thanksgiving. Let's stop at that liquor store and get some."

"Lionel, my dear boy, I don't know if this is safe," Sam said. "I noticed that the last person going into the liquor store was armed. Perhaps the wisest course of action would be for us to be armed as well when we enter. 'When in Rome,' as they say."

"This is nuts," Tom said, checking to make sure that the Glock he pulled out from under the seat was loaded.

"This has indeed been an exciting outing," Sam said, hefting an Uzi.

"I wonder what kind of wine Kristie likes?" Lionel wondered aloud as he tried to figure out how to slide the safety off a Tec-9.

They walked into the liquor store and Lionel approached the checkout to ask for recommendations. The clerk appeared to be occupied as he was emptying the cash register for the previous customer, a man in a ski mask holding a .22. 

"Excuse me," Lionel said.

"What the FUCK?" the masked man said as he looked down at the armed lion. He swung his gun around from the clerk to aim it straight at Lionel.

"Whoopsie," Sam said as his Uzi fired a short burst of bullets. The masked man screamed as he fell to the floor.

"Jesus Christ, you KILLED that guy," Tom said.

"I most certainly did not," Sam responded. "I merely shot him in the pants. I'm sure he'll be fine."

The masked man sobbed as he clutched his hands to his blood-soaked crotch.

"Take whatever you want, just don't kill me," the clerk said.

"Thank you so very much," said Sam. "Can you please tell us, what wine pairs best with Zebra Cakes?"

*          *          *

Tom was right, the car was definitely leaking something. Some of the police who converged on the liquor store after Lionel, Sam, and Tom left with their wine - free of charge, courtesy of the grateful clerk - slipped in it as they rushed to confront the incapacitated robber.

"We're going to need to borrow another car to get back home, rrrrawr," Lionel said as he tried to steer.

As if on cue, they promptly crashed into another car.

"We're in luck, it's one of those self-driving taxis," Tom cheered. "Let's get our groceries and go."

They quickly transferred the corn and Zebra Cakes to the taxi. Samuel thought about taking a few of the guns and some of the drugs, but decided against it. Lionel stuffed as much money as he could into the pockets of his jean jacket, and then into the jean jacket itself. He had a momentary flash of regret that he wasn't wearing any pants. He grabbed the wine bottle and got out of the car. "Bye-bye, car, you were a good car and served us well. May you always have your fill of Zebra Cakes. RRRRAWRRRR!!!!"

The car exploded as the taxi drove away.

*          *          *

"Kristie, we're home, and we brought a friend!" Lionel roared as the three of them entered the house. It was eerily quiet.

"Kristie's not here, boys," Grandpa said from his bench. "But she left you boys a note."

Lionel picked up the note. "Sam, read it to me, I'm too distraught."

Sam cleared his throat and began to read.

Hey guys, you probably forgot that I'm traveling to be with my family for Thanksgiving. I filled the refrigerator with your favorite things, so you've got nothing to worry about. I was hoping to say goodbye but Grandpa said you went out on an adventure today. I hope you had fun! I'll see you when I get back. Love, Kristie

"Aw, dangit, I forgot all about that," Lionel said. "Oh, well, she didn't even notice we borrowed her card. Wait, there's more on the other side. Keep reading, Sam."

P.S. WHERE IS MY CREDIT CARD? YOU BETTER NOT HAVE RACKED UP ANY CHARGES ON IT OR YOU'RE BOTH IN BIG TROUBLE.

"Oh well," Lionel said. "RRRRAWWWRRRR!!! Tom, you're welcome to stay as long as you want, or until Kristie comes back and has a cow. Grandpa, we got a big turkey to have for Thanksgiving dinner, and we're going to have a traditional Thanksgiving feast of Zebra Cakes and corn. Do you know where Kristie keeps the can opener?"

And they all lived happily ever after, until Lionel and Sam remembered that turkeys are delicious.

- THE END -