Going offline for a while, maybe

I barely slept at all last night, tormented by thoughts of poor Gretchen. At one point I woke up to the sound of a cat's yowls. I got out of bed and began to head for the back porch to see if Gretchen was clawing at the plastic I had wrapped her in, injured but alive. But then I remembered...no. She was dead. Definitely dead.

I woke up this morning many times. 5:00. 5:30. I knew that the overtime message would not be final until 8:00, so I forced myself to stay in bed until then. I called, and my name was listed. So I would need to get more sleep for the long night ahead.

But not yet. First I had to bury Gretchen.

I found a spade in the garden shed and picked a spot near the wheelbarrow where Socks had kept Gretchen and Rachel when they were kittens. I would need the wheelbarrow to hold the dirt - but first I had to shoo away the skunk that was under the wheelbarrow. Skunk. Need to surround the body with stones to keep the skunk away.

I began digging. The ground was soft from all the rain, but I had to contend with stones and roots from the nearby lilac and arbor vitae. Some of the stones were larger than a softball. One was the size of a small pillow. That's the headstone.

I dug deep. As deep as I could, though probably not as deep as I should have. I gently placed her carefully-wrapped body in the hole, apologizing to her a thousand times as I did. I then surrounded the body with stones and began slowly shoveling dirt around her. When I had covered the body with an even layer of soil a few inches deep I placed a large rectangular paver on top of it, and then continued to fill the hole with soil and stones. When all the soil was in the hole I tamped it down as best I could with the shovel. Then I placed the headstone on top of where Gretchen's body is, and another stone just below.

And that was that.

My mom and I picked roses and put them on the grave. I took pictures. Came in. Changed out of my dirt-covered clothes. Sat down to write a post.

I don't know if I'll be posting as regularly as I have been. This has knocked me for a loop. I've also got a friend who I can only communicate with offline, through letters, for the next three-and-a-half weeks. I plan on writing a lot of letters, though I will have to choose my topics carefully. I don't think I should tell her about Gretchen. But those letters will consume a lot of my time. And I'm working overtime, today and probably tomorrow. Maybe August 19th as well.

On August 20th I have a vet's appointment scheduled. A follow-up for Gretchen and Rachel. I guess I'll have to let them know that Gretchen won't be coming.

So, anyway. I don't know if I feel up to keeping up the post-a-day pace of this blog, and Facebook, and everything else. Maybe I need to step back for a while. I don't know.

What I do know is I have to try to get a little more sleep right now.